Starting Block

My life always seems to be in a constant restart, whether it comes to relationships, work or personal goals, I feel as though I am rarely progressing but rather hitting the refresh button. After sitting at my computer for entirely too long and facestalking, blog hopping and reading the news, I have realized I have gotten myself into this cycle of blah. I start something new and I get real excited about it and then eventually I fail to continue with the project, relationship, job or goal. WTF, more importantly, what is wrong with me? I have been a person who has made a majority of decisions based upon fear. Fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of what others think, fear of success. Who in their right mind fears success...I do, because then the expectations are that you will do bigger and better. And well, let's be honest, bigger and better is a lot of hard work, when there are so many happy hours and social situations that need to be attended. I think I have pretty much summed up my generations issues, we want it ALL, but do I really need to work that hard to get it? YES, you dummy. So how do I get it all without sacrificing all the things that I have. That's the rub. Then I think about it and I still crave to make my mark in this world and in peoples lives, however, I am completely at a loss for what that should be, or how I should even get started. I have contemplated many options, all of which include me drinking massive amounts wine and binging on of lots of cheese and bread. When I think about the things that I love and the things that I am good at, I get a little frustrated because there are not many jobs or life plans that include being a wino teacher traveler blogger fashionista dancer. If you see any jobs with those listings included...holler at me. I also know that I don't have to find a job that is all those things, but I would like to find one that allows me to pursue those interests....plus the million more that I have swimming and brimming over the edge of my mind.

I am not going to make any plans for now, I need to chew on this for a moment. But I thought I would let you in a bit. And also I am calling on all of you to help me to figure out what the world needs(or what you need) and how I can fill that need. 

I do, however, look forward to many more years of misadventures.

Till next time...just hit refresh,

APK

AHEM!!

If you have not been paying attention to my blog...well....I don't blame you. I have been absolutely horrible and keeping up with this thing. Part of me has been toying around with the idea of a more specific blog...so that I can try to make money off of it. I am still thinking about all the things that I want it to be. But for now, you are going to have to put up with my atrocious grammar(thank God for spellcheck) and my crazy.

I am currently nestled in one of my favorite coffee shops(its my favorite because the cute Barista flirts with me, oh man, am I predictable), updating my blog while I contemplate what to pack for my trip to Oakland to visit one of my old college roommates Jess.  This is she...love every minute of her.

As roommates, we kinda failed. As grow women with separate lives, we rock!! Every time that we get to catch up I am constantly amazed at how wonderful she is and how much I want to be her. I am confident that I I will get messy in the garden with her this weekend, as well as, share time laughing about all the things that connect us plus process our futures. I am super excited...I hope we ride bikes too.

This is my pre-Spring Break Post, I will hit you up with the post-post later. Till then, keeping pondering on what else can come out of this head and into your world.

GIDDY UP,
APKilla

MisMatched

I have a particular OCD, I call it OCD primarily to be clever ecause I know real, honest OCD is heart-breaking. My particular itch is matching, head to toe, inside to outside. Most of the time it looks a lot like matching my shoes with a particular accessory, or socks to underwear, or jewelry. My dear, lovely friend Ali calls me matchy-matchy, to which she is extremely correct. I feel good when I have planned an outfit that goes together and shows my fashion savvy. When I don't match, I feel as though something is a little off. I can still function but I usually wish I had done laundry. Time to draw the parallel to my heart and the state of affairs there. So I feel completely mismatched, I know that I am happy with my life, where I am going and the new things coming down the pipe BUT....my feelings aren't matching up. I feel sad. This feeling comes up every so often and I often share it with the world. I feel sad because I crave more than I have. I want the love of a man, the comfort of a home, security of a savings account and satisfaction of a life lived to full potential. So as I sit here, off of one of the best weekends in a long time, I will embrace the sadness and also choose to see my reality.

My reality: 

I am happy because of the freedom if singleness, a job that I love(and my needs covered), people who love me and a full life ahead of me, ready to reach all its potential. I am finding that life, as matchy-matchy as I would like it, has a bit of accessories that may not match the shoes, but complement them in a new way that draws people in to take a closer look. I am going to step out into life with my favorite shoes and just hope that life's accessories draw me in to take a closer look: at who I am, who I will be and what adventures I will take...and be satisfied with the state of affairs inside and out.

My clutch may match my heels, but I am aiming to try something new, so please have grace with me. And please tell me when I am making a complete idiot of myself: fashion or otherwise.

MisMatchy-Matchy,
APK

Its time....

I am not good at setting goals. Part of me wants to get it all done today, and the other part wants to ignore it all. As I sit at City o City, I am struck with my longings to be better. What does better even mean? Well, to me, it means something that is good and healthy. So how do I move from where I am to better? Let's take a look at my life goals and maybe we can come up with some(not too many) projects/goals for this year.

Life Goals:

• Family(husband, kids?, immediate, close friends)
• Participate in Colorado Education Policy
• Be connected to a community of Christians
• Travel the World
• Learn a foreign language
• Be creative
• Put healthy things into my mind, body and soul
• Teach kids
• Seek adventure
• Be Honest
• Be/feel strong

So, these are a few life goals, let's now break down into smaller yearly goals.

• FAMILY: 

2012 GOAL- say yes to invitations[put myself out there, be around different people], finish my time with eHarmony strong, continue to spend time with mom, bro and dad/stepmom(Once every 2 weeks). I have made a list of the friends that I want to reconnect with and continue to build relationships with.(that is a secret, as not to offend anyone)

• Learn a Foreign Language:

2012 Goal- Take Classes at Morey, starting in Feb.

• Put Healthy things in my Mind, Body, Soul:

2012 Goal- No SODA!, eat 5 vegetables and fruits daily, no red meat, 32 oz of water, green tea instead of coffee(3x a week), Do something active for 20 minutes everyday. Read 10 books this year. Listen to NPR(3x a week). Prayer(4x a week, at least 5 minutes). Find a church by March and go consistently.

Those goals seem attainable this year. I know that we don't touch on all my life goals, but heck they are life goals, so I have some time. I am hopeful that this will be great, I have no evidence to show why I feel that way...just a feeling

FIYA, FIYA, FIYA

For those of you who think that I am an amazing teacher and can do no wrong, I am here to set the record straight...I have no problems with accidentally setting off the fire alarm and sending two schools into a tailspin of chaos.

About 1 week ago I had a student knock the fire alarm with a tennis ball,usually this just sets it off in the gym and once you pop the screen back on it goes off. Not this time...Miss Ashley in her infinite wisdom, fiddled(technical term) with the device only to pull the wrong button and set off the alarms, lights and general mayhem. I was so embarrassed and tried to tell Gil (the campus security) that it was all my fault. Gil said "We still need to leave." He looked pissed, and I don't blame him. My thought was that we would head outside and then immediately head back inside....no such luck. I faintly heard the bells and whistles of the fire truck...well shoot dang. We spent 20 minutes outside in the 30 degree weather trying to wrangle 30 sixth graders in and stop them from throwing snow balls at each other. At this point all my students knew it was me that set the alarm off. I ran into the principal afterwards and I did not have the heart to tell it was me...the school was in chaos mode, kids everywhere. I was sure I was going to get fired on the spot. Oh jeez, it was an experience and the worst part was that I did not even get to give my number to any of the firemen. It was a totally wasted fire alarm, I will never do that again.

Sometimes smoke means fire, sometimes alarms go off because of me.

APK

New Year = New Post

Where to begin, where to begin?

Well, I guess the best place is where I left off.

I left you with a picture of a woman full of joy and excited about the future. I am not much changed from that woman. I have had a few bumps in the road-rowdy sixth graders, boyfriend gained and lost, holiday dramas, and one rocking fight with the broski.

Let's delve more into those topics, only because...because I want to. First of all, I love my new job, however I do not love all of my students. I teach 2 classes filled to the brim with the most disrespectful and rowdy group of sixth graders ever. They as individuals are wonderfully sweet and smart, collectively they act like idiots. I am learning that they are more aware about how to be successful than I give them credit....to say the least I am learning a lot. I am learning how not to yell, which is hard when you have fields and gym space as your classroom. Though they drive me crazy 90% of the time, 10% of the time I delight in each one of them. My only wish is that they would keeps their hands to themselves...good Lord, the hormones. Which brings me to the next bump.

Yes, boys and girls, I had my very first boyfriend. His name was Chris and he was a wonderful person. I will tell you that we broke up after 3 months, but his impact on me will last much longer. I am not sad about the break up, we were just too mismatched. I am sad that we weren't better matched because he showed me how I deserve to be pursued, treated and cherished. I learned so much of what I want from a relationship that I feel better prepared for the next one who is willing to step up to the plate. If Chris ever reads this I hope he is encouraged to be exactly who he is, because the right girl will love all of it...I just wasn't the right girl. Sadly, I did not get to spend NYE with him...yet another NYE without special kisses.

I will tell you this day in and day out...holidays(Xmas in particular) usually suck. Being a product of divorce I will always be pulled in multiple directions and this year was particularly bad because my partner in crime(brother Max) was out of the country and I had not one person who understood the shit we go through. To say the least I was a freaking basket case for a week, cried every day(and I rarely cry). I think the separation anxiety that I experienced was because brother bear and I had a huge fight prior to him leaving for a month...we have yet to talk and resolve the situation. I feel so horribly sad about it. I know that we will figure it out and we will be better for it. I love the manchild.

((sigh))

I am looking forward to the new year and the new things around the bend. I will be writing about my new goals but here is a teaser about some of them: new living stitch, "independently healthy", adventures in dating, working hard for the money and you might be seeing me soon.

To all the joy and happiness that I will get to dive into this year,

APKillin' it Daily

Feeling Special

I have often heard the phrases "You get back what you put out", "Karma's a Bitch", "What goes around comes around"....I struggle to trust these most days, but I have found myself in a place in life where it seems that good begets good. The more joy that flows out of me seems to be returned, and with more added into the bucket. The best visual that I could give you is of a woman happily carrying buckets of water down the dusty road. The buckets/containers seem to be resting on every limb available, overflowing with most refreshing water. Often the water gets all over the woman, sometimes it gets all over the people around her. I feel like this woman, just hoping that this very life giving feeling spills off of me onto those around me.

To go into further detail, I have recently acquired a career-type job with a career-type salary. I feel hugely blessed to have been given the opportunity to pursue that which I am good at, as well as, getting to do something that I feel is important and full of impact. We have all heard me talk about teaching and how much I crave to be used in that arena of life...And all my hard work is beginning to pay off. I will be teaching in DPS(Denver Public Schools) and hopefully getting to work alongside some great teachers to improve the physical fitness of our local kiddos.

In addition, I will be continuing to stay involved with Cafe 180 by being their blogger, I hope to have more information on that in the next couple weeks.

I have no misconceptions that this next couple months is going to stretch me in ways that are uncomfortable, but the aim is embrace the pain that comes along so that I can operate in new ways that continue to fill up my buckets so that I may be that woman that I envision, walking happily spilling out joy, goodness, honesty, brokenness and life.

So for more on the good, bad and the ugly....give me a ring and let's chat. There are a couple more things going on that I would love to share with you...

Floating...

APKilla