HEY, Hey, hey, hey, heeeey!
Fall is in full swing, and I couldn't find myself enjoying it more. There is something about the changing of the seasons that illicits a response from most people. I have noticed that most people enjoy the beginnings of the new season, it is the end of the season that people enjoy the least(at least that is how I operate). With this new season I feel that it can also mark a new season in my life. My hope is that I fall more in love with my Creator, and in that I hope to learn how to better love others and be in their lives in a significant ways.
I asked for that because I have a new friend in my life that exemplifies suffering. In our friendship I ask for answers that don't exist and allow for frustration to creep in and take hold. Today, at church, I realized that suffering is not a question seeking an answer but rather a thing that asks us to embrace it and trust that God "knows". But there are still so many reasons to bail, therein lies the battle. I feel a tug on my heart to step into my friends suffering with him, if he is willing to go there himself. If he isn't ready to step into it, I want to be able to be a person who is willing to love him at any cost(the good, the bad, the ugly). I fear that I won't be able to handle it and that I will become another person in his life that can't deal and bails on him. I have never known what it is like to loose it all and to have nothing to lean on. To my friend, God has been elusive and the source of some of the pain. So, the question to me is how does one step into the hurt with God and still be angry with Him? I am not sure that anger towards God leads to healing, and I am not sure that loving Him does either. I am not talking about spiritual healing, but a real life miracle where the shit stops being shitty and a person can move forward without pain. My heart is heavy with the questions without answers today. There is this desire for me to fix things and when I can't I feel helpless and inadequate. But I guess I am not suppose to help or be adequate but rather LOVE and let go. I sense failure for the day but I am rather excited that being a beloved of my creator isn't dependent on the success of my abilities but love that is squeezed from the failures.
My prayer for today is that He be more and I become less...at any cost(that is hard to want).
To fail big is to be loved even bigger...hopefully overflowing into this world that craves an honest answer...but is learning to be okay with honest love.
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