REDO #3

In an attempt to write this blog today, I suddenly have writers block...why, I usually have plenty of mishaps to tell the world about. In an attempt to get real with the world(aka the small amount of you that read this), I am struggling with my status quo...the status of affairs in my life. I seem aimless and I find it hard to motivate myself to more of what I want and less of what I despise...in my mind that seems like the most ridiculous statement. To qualify the statement I must say the things that I despise are laziness, bitching about the state of affairs(whatever they are), serious lack of purpose, and lack of movement(in my heart, mind, body and soul). The sad thing is that I have complete control over every one of these situations in my life and yet here I am complaining that I sitting in the middle of all of them. Separately they feel manageable but lumped together it seems like an Everest to tackle....oh I know that I can get after each of them separately but I am also an impatient person who wants life to get itself together on my timing and in an orderly fashion as not to mess up my sensibilities and hair. The revelation that I am much more in control of my circumstances is troubling, only because I don't think that I can be trusted with such serious matters. Have I regressed since college? It seems as though I am on this slippery slope of insecurity in which I don't trust who I have become...all these realizations feel foreign to me which leads me to believe that I have too much time on my hands to think about my stuff. Getting stuck in my head is a horrible place to be, only because my head always runs to worst case scenario or it lacks of being grounded in reality. Argh.

Once my life was thought to be precarious(I actually looked that one up, had to make I was using it right) but as I sit here in a wonderfully full coffee house in Boulder(the Cup) I am struck with the weight of my choices in life and I am coming to the grips with the great position that I am in. Fresh from rest and seeking a renewed vigor for life, I must stand firm in the truths of who I am and forge through life with laughter, grace, humility and a undeniable knowledge that I am responsible for the state in which I choose....damn the odds.

Far more serious than I ever intended,

APK