Where do I start...

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind the past few weeks, I have been encouraged by many to keep this blog real....so its gonna get real, real quick....giddy up. We are going to start with the things that aren't so great and then move to the things that are real great. Sooo, about three weekends ago I was up in Fort Collins hanging with all the people in the world that mean the most to me, plus some repeat offenders in my life. T'was a night filled with laughter, margaritas, blessings and a little bit of a need that I know not how to fill. As Saturday night winded down and we tucked ourselves into the beds of others(for me I slept in my friend Kahle's bed....no scandal that night), Kahle told me that we were going to Church in the morning. My first reaction(all in my head of course) was quite juvenile, "Really, do I have to go?", then I simply slid into apathy towards my fate. Sunday morning rolls around and I don't even shower, I put on my legging with a t-shirt and my bright yellow CSU hoodie and I desperately hope that Kahle let me out of Church based purely on my ridiculous appearance...no such luck, damn. We rolled into Church and I could feel the tension building in me, not the bad tension, but rather the tension that feels like there is something good to experience but you, yourself, won't let it happen. I spent the majority of the service telling myself that I was not going to go up the alter for the "alter call", I was going to just stick to my pew and experience God the way I had been for the last three years...by myself. The service went as it should have with singing, collecting of tithes(which I put $5 of my drinking money in the pot...ironic, maybe a little) and then the message. All went smoothly according to my critical eye, and then popped up an older gentleman to do the alter call, FYI, I hate alter calls...they have tremendous impact but they rub me the wrong way. Anywho, as this man was speaking he said a few things that aren't typical of the alter call...."disappointment" and "death of hope"......Wait one second old man, just one damn minute. These words not only pierced my heart they ripped it right open and the well of tears behind those words began to fall. So what did I do...welp, I went to the alter and knelt down, duh....if ya didn't see that one coming you must not be reading between the lines. For those of you who know me well and those of you who are getting to know me....tears are few and far between, so this show of vulnerability scared the shit out of me. But, the big BUT, it felt so good to cry, about everything and nothing all at the same time. The whole time I was up there, I was freaked out but mostly broken. The only prayer that I had was, "Let them know I need them"...meaning my people. I need my friends and family to know that I need them in the most important ways, especially when I can't say that I need them.

Afterwards, there were more tears shared between me and my besties, and then that gentleman came over to me and asked if we could chat. And in my mind I had few choice words to say to him...like how dare you say things that cause me to take off the armor that I have perfected and get real in front of God and the rest of the world. But I politely listened to him and he had the gall to give me homework...homeboy, I am done with school, but I did it and I am thankful for the words that I have read(Isaiah 62:6-12).

In retrospect this is actually part of the great stuff happening, it just doesn't feel good to messing around with all these emotions and thoughts. I am sitting here writing and editing what I have just written and the battle in me is whether or not I should publish this particular post. The side of me that only wants to be seen as having it together says "oh hell no, don't do it, you might offend people and loose friends" and then there is the side that says "what the hell, what do you have to loose?" Right now I feel like "what the hell", so forgive me for getting all JesusFreak on ya, but this is me in all my weakness and glory.

Looking back at the length of this blog I have decided that I will leave this story alone and include the other good, bad and ugly for my next blog.

Thanks for reading(when you read this it really makes me feel special), so thanks again.

Yikes...you know it all:)

APKilla

p.s. YIKESSSS!!!!!!