There is a character that essentially represents me in high school...Her name is Carmen, she is a ball full of energy who is voluminous in every aspect. She doesn't think that she is that beautiful and has issues with her dad. In particular she never see him and when she does it is not very genuine. When I watch the scenes with this character I immediately get uncomfortable and teary because I feel sixteen years old again, unable to convey my hurt feelings towards my Dad. I can relate to her insecurities about her looks and weight. The similarities are close...she plays tennis with her Dad(me too), she was informed of her fathers wedding in a not so great way(me too), she struggles to be honest with how hurt she is with her father(ME TOO). The difference, however, lies in the fact that she is reconciled with her father at the end of the movie...It took me till I was 26 to tell my dad how I felt. So with this oh so real depiction of my life on the screen, of course, I had no other reaction other than tears. These weren't the kind of tears that come and go, these were the kind of tears that come and the pain from which they are linked to radiates to my fingertips. I heard once that the reason we wear our wedding rings on our left hands is because there is an artery that runs from our hearts to our left hand...I tell you this because my left hand feels pain when I have these kinds of cries...cries of a broken heart, I think. I am not writing this because I need to be reassured(or maybe I do), but I think that I felt compelled to talk about it. I am not that same person anymore(thank God) but those types of brokenness still tug at my heart. I love my father and we have a much better relationship now that we have talked, but that still doesn't change that he missed my volleyball games, proms and being able to delight in his beautiful daughter.
In a nut shell, I am sad to have ever had to feel the feelings that I did during my youth, but I am joyful for the person they have made me. I am by no means over all my issues but I have come to a place where I am willing to accept who and where I am in life and live from that rather than living from my insecurities or voids.
Thanks for listening,
APK
4 comments:
You're alive!!!
And I love you. And I'm sorry it's different now and I wasn't there. But everything has purpose and it's so awesome to read this Ash.
Would you come to Philly already?? I want to give you a squeeze!!!! Thanks for being so honest. I love you!
Xs and Os. BIG ONES!!
i'm excited to squeeze you too!!
I wish he had been there too, Ash. Because, let's face it, you were an amazing teenager. You brought joy, and laughter, and friendship, and love to my life. But not just mine, my family's too. And I'm sorry that he never got to know that girl. He missed out for sure. BUT he gets to know you as a woman. And you get to speak to him as a woman, on his level, without having to feel small and insecure anymore (or, with some effort). That is a wonderful power. And, it's a blessing in disguise, I think. <3 you!
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