The Tears overfloweth...

I typically like to keep this blog lighthearted but in an attempt to be more honest, authentic and real with my viewers...all ten of you...I am going to tell you about my sad Saturday night. It started out very typical, I worked grabbed a drink and dinner at the bar then headed home to my cozy apartment only to indulge in more wine and popcorn alongside the movie of the night. Normally this would be a pretty easy way for me to ease into my night of blissful sleep. Not such the case last night, I chose the wrong movie: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. This movie, as I forgot, usually elicits some pretty strong feelings from me...and this why.

There is a character that essentially represents me in high school...Her name is Carmen, she is a ball full of energy who is voluminous in every aspect. She doesn't think that she is that beautiful and has issues with her dad. In particular she never see him and when she does it is not very genuine. When I watch the scenes with this character I immediately get uncomfortable and teary because I feel sixteen years old again, unable to convey my hurt feelings towards my Dad. I can relate to her insecurities about her looks and weight. The similarities are close...she plays tennis with her Dad(me too), she was informed of her fathers wedding in a not so great way(me too), she struggles to be honest with how hurt she is with her father(ME TOO). The difference, however, lies in the fact that she is reconciled with her father at the end of the movie...It took me till I was 26 to tell my dad how I felt. So with this oh so real depiction of my life on the screen, of course, I had no other reaction other than tears. These weren't the kind of tears that come and go, these were the kind of tears that come and the pain from which they are linked to radiates to my fingertips. I heard once that the reason we wear our wedding rings on our left hands is because there is an artery that runs from our hearts to our left hand...I tell you this because my left hand feels pain when I have these kinds of cries...cries of a broken heart, I think. I am not writing this because I need to be reassured(or maybe I do), but I think that I felt compelled to talk about it. I am not that same person anymore(thank God) but those types of brokenness still tug at my heart. I love my father and we have a much better relationship now that we have talked, but that still doesn't change that he missed my volleyball games, proms and being able to delight in his beautiful daughter.

In a nut shell, I am sad to have ever had to feel the feelings that I did during my youth, but I am joyful for the person they have made me. I am by no means over all my issues but I have come to a place where I am willing to accept who and where I am in life and live from that rather than living from my insecurities or voids.

Thanks for listening,

APK